She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
