There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
