Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
