when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
