If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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