I think my fart just growled at me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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