dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
