when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You've changed since you got that strap on
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
