i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Randomize
