I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard