My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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