He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
