Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
