I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
