this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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