i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
