The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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