matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drake has all the answers
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
