I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
