I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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