It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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