Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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