If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
