I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
