so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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