I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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