just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
