This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
