I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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