Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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