what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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