I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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