I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
