Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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