i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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