Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
