dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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