You just made me feel so damn special
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
