I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
