yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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