Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
