I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
