It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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