I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
