Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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