I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
