Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize