My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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