Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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