Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
