Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
