Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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