hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
