Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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