He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
